today20

Last month, I was in Chicago and had an interesting talk with a friend of mine, Al Pacino. Al used to live in the I-House at the same time I was living there. That was 2002 and I just came to Chicago. Back then, I-House had, I guess, about a hundred of residents, mostly international students. But Al and I never talked to each other.

In 2003, I moved out of I-House and into another place called The B House. Time passed. Then in summer 2005, I moved out of the B House, first to Portland, then back to Chicago, then New Jersey and now New Hampshire. One month before I moved out of the B House, a Chinese girl moved in and we quickly bonded. I liked her a lot and she liked me too. Anyway, to make the long story short, the Chinese girl became a very good friend of mine and, as it turned out, she was a close friend of Al. So, as more time passed, in 2006, when I visited Chicago and stayed at the B House as a guest, I found Al living there, through my Chinese friend’s recommendation.

Now, the thing is I did not know Al when we were living in I-House. We saw each other a couple of times in the elevator, dining room or the main lobby but that was it. But somehow, I remembered him. I even remembered having an impression — what kind of impression I could not recall for sure, but an impression nonetheless. I remembered he used to hang with a group of first-year economics PhD guys and they would stay in the dining room, doing homework and drinking at the same time. He looked like a fun guy. The cool type of guy.

With all honesty, back in 2002, I was this clumsy awkward little girl who did not know how to make up, behave in social places or deal with guys (still don’t know better now but at least I can manage). Cool guys scared me to death. Cool guys and cool girls, to me, were like a special breed that I needed to admire from afar instead of coming close to make friend. And so, I made sure I stayed far away from “The Pacino”. I was sure as hell that a guy like him would never ever, not in a million years, pay as much as a glance to a girl like me.

OK, so now it was 2006 and I saw Al again at the B House. Since I stayed there for one week, we bumped into each other in the kitchen (mind you, only 7 people lived in the B House, with a huge kitchen). Of course, we talked. He sort of remembered that I once stayed at the I-House; and I of course remembered him as a cool “scary” guy.

Anyway, we talked… and talked some more… From 2006 to 2007, I returned to the B House three times to meet with my dissertation committee and every time, I stayed at the B House and every time, I had a chance to catch up with Al. We grew closer – as friends, of course. We could talk for hours about research, life, U of C, friends, and most of all, relationships. Sometimes, we talked well into midnight and had a lot of fun.

About last month, yes. We had a chance to catch up again and Al told me about his recent break-up. We talked more about relationships between men and women; and then I told him what I had been thinking all along:

– Al, you know… I’ve been thinking. We used to live at I-House at the same time but I am sure back then you would never give girls like me a chance. And look, now that we know each other better, see how nice I am?

He burst out laughing and he said:

– But what do you mean I would never give girls like you a chance?

I said:

– I meant I would not have a chance with you, not back in 2002. Back then, you would not look at me or ever consider dating me. The thought, I am sure, never crossed your mind.

– How can you be so sure?

– Because I know. Back in 2002, I was very naive and clumsy and all. I knew I would not have a chance with guys like you. But you see, those missed opportunities are so… dear.

He insisted that I was very very wrong. He insisted that he had always been interested in smart girls — “like you,” said he, pointing at me. While we were talking, there was another guy in the kitchen, Elton John. And Eltie also assured me that he would agree to date me any time. I believed his exact words were: “Who wouldn’t want to date a girl who eats shrimps with a chopstick and reads Henry Miller at the same time?” (Well, I was eating shrimps with one chopstick and was indeed reading Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer at that moment). So, the two guys had fun teasing me for being silly and all. They said:

– Huong, if guys don’t know how to appreciate you, then screw them! It’s their loss.

Oh, but Eltie is gay and Al is just too nice. The thing is, I know they probably meant what they said when we were talking — now, in 2007, with me being the 2007-version Huong and Al being the 2007 Al, we could date. Now, Al might look at me and consider dating me. But truth be told, I know back in 2002, I would not have a chance with him. Never, friend!

Not that I wanted him to date me back then. Nor did I want him to date me now. What I was trying to say was, he could have dated me in 2007 if I were 2007 Huong and still single. And also, if he had dated me back in 2002, then everything would be very different now.

And so, I came to think about missed opportunities. I missed my chances with many people, whom I only much later knew that they were interested in me at the time we were crossing paths and yet missing each other by a hair-line. I was so utterly clumsy and naive in 2002 that I was not able to see through the things presented to me and the people who came to me.

Not that I have regrets about the decisions I made so far, since because of those decisions, yours truly is who she is today and the very one writing these lines. But I must also say that my life could have been very different if at some particular moment in my life, I had seen things more clearly. Whet
her it’s better or not is not my concern, I am only saying it will be different…

Well, time will pass and more time will pass… Perhaps with its passing, any regrets we may have will fade away too. And if contrary is the case, at the very least, we can still change and perhaps request a second chance, no?

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